Love, sex, and marriage without the relational emphasis are just the sexual act; they leave people empty, dissatisfied, and feeling guilty.
This explains just one reason why pornography (even apart from the terrible psychological addiction), is so destructive: it delivers a momentary, addictive pleasure without the core dimension of intimacy.
It’s very unfortunate that a good number of married couples are not married. Even when you think they are close, there is no sexual intimacy. A good number of married people, especially women, now see sex as hard work. For you to call someone your spouse, there are four questions that must never be overlooked in every aspect of your life:
How do you communicate with him or her?
How caring are you towards each other?
How committed are you to each other?
Do you share common values?
We often want to act like these things are not necessary only to find out when it is late that they are very necessary. Whichever area of your relationship- spiritual, emotional, and sexual; these questions should be answered. When you have successfully answered these questions, you can confidently talk about intimacy with your spouse.
Let us look at each of the above questions with sexual intimacy in mind. Don’t be deceived, that you have the energy to bang her forever doesn’t mean you are good at it. That you have a very big penis doesn’t mean you know what you are doing; the size doesn’t always matter.
Communication allows difficult topics to be openly discussed. Frustration accumulates when a husband and/ or wife are not able to communicate about problems, desires, fears, or a host of other regularly unspoken issues that impact their sexual experience. I know some of us, because of our upbringing, are so timid that we can’t discuss sex with our spouse but that is not what it should be. Some women suffer from frigidity due to past experiences and unresolved anger and that is a great hindrance to their enjoying sex and intimacy. If you love her, you must get her to that level where she can let it out even if tears flow. You must assure her of your love. Assuring a woman of your love is not about speaking all the love words; show it. If there are issues you have with her, don’t keep it to yourself; let it out. Some men send me messages lamenting over the foul smell that oozes out of madam’s vagina during sex. I know how you feel; no sane man enjoys that. But your wife is your best friend and so you should be able to respectfully and lovingly discuss that with her and find solution together. You can even talk to your family gynaecologist about it before talking to her.
Communication does it and this takes us to the next question-Care. You will go out of your way to seek solution to things that bother your spouse. You won’t just fold your hands and watch her go through it because you know she is a matured woman who can handle her problems. You show how much you care when you can go and book appointment for her to see the doctor, offer to take her there, find out what the problem is and lend a helping hand without hurting her ego.
Caring for your partner means providing him/her with the sexual experience on his/her terms, way, and time frame. A husband caring for his wife might mean he focuses on slow and gentle caresses, speaking of her beauty and his love for her, practicing giving a full body massage, or perhaps giving her a weekend gate away at a live-in spa. When you care for her sexually; when you cherish that intimacy with her, you will not rush in and out of sex because you know that sex means a different thing to real women.
Madam, because you care about your husband, you will shave clean your southern hemisphere if that is what he wants without those excuses of itching after shaving because there are things to do to avoid the rashes and itching. You should keep it neat and well trimmed if he wants some hairs there. If you care about your husband, you will let go of that anger in you and open up to him. You will give it to him however and whenever he wants it without excuses.
Because you care for him or her, you will be committed to whatever it is that will make your spouse feel better. Commitment to sexual intimacy in marriage involves doing what is necessary to achieve it, and eliminating whatever is necessary that impedes it. Commitment also translates into time: you must prioritize your time for sex since busyness is one factor that always gets in the way. Sir, it is wrong to take that call while you are in bed with your spouse. Don’t tell me that is the money you use to take care of her. We existed happily before GSM came; we did business with landlines and so switching it off for one hour won’t kill you.
Never forget that for you to achieve intimacy with your spouse, foreplay must never be ignored. It is the preparation phase of lovemaking, the art of foreplay shouldn’t be underestimated; classically for women, it’s the best part! It is here that intimacy is at a climax, and wives are most enjoying sexual closeness.
The importance of the art of foreplay is understood when men take time well beforehand to focus on building an atmosphere of rest, relaxation, and romance. Removing distractions, stresses, and interruptions allows the woman to enjoy intimacy: the key component of sex. As a master violinist plays his instrument to a climax of musical beauty, so a husband plays his wife’s body, ever so gently, ever so skilfully, to bring her to crescendos of orgasmic splendour. If you can’t play her body exceptionally well after years together, there is a problem somewhere.
Mind you; Foreplay must begin long before you are actually in the bedroom. You can’t shout at her all day and then expect her to do the magic at night. You can’t be living carelessly without providing for her and then expect her to respond very well to you. Women are emotional beings.
Okay; let me give you some tips to help you with your foreplay. But don’t ever forget this saying: Women are like Slow-Cookers, Men are Like Microwaves. Foreplay is not about getting you sexually gratified—it’s all about preparing your wife for the enjoyments of sexual intimacy. Your ultimate goal is your wife’s satisfaction.
Spend plenty of time kissing gently and gradually more passionately. In kissing her body parts- neck, cheeks, lips, face, please don’t mess up her body with saliva. A good number of women hate that but may never tell you. You can make her feel good without rubbing saliva all over her body.
Giving a full body massage will help her relax and the physical touch will create a special measure of intimacy. While you do this, don’t forget to compliment her body verbally.
Give at least 20 minutes of time to foreplay. (You will find that your orgasms are more intense after this extended time of preparation for lovemaking)
Just remember, the most beautiful experience on earth should not be rushed. Foreplay is meant to be fun, so take time and enjoy each other.
Discover what parts of your wife’s body are sensitive to touch and will stimulate her sexually. Areas might include: lips, neck, breasts, nipples, tummy, back, buttocks, and thighs. Obviously, some of these areas will be pleasurable during foreplay—-others won’t be, so ask.
When your wife is sufficiently stimulated (after 20 minutes of foreplay), begin gentle stimulation of the clitoris. Every woman is different to some degree, so ask her how it feels and make sure stimulation remains pleasurable for her. Use a side-to-side motion with the three middle fingers of your hand to rub the clitoris; ensure there is plenty of lubrication, and that there is just the right amount of pressure on the clitoris.
Women have two areas that provide sexual pleasure (erogenous zones): the clitoris and the vagina
Clitoris: this is the only organ whose sole purpose is to provide sexual pleasure! The areas around the clitoris are highly sensitive; extended foreplay and then stimulation of this area will produce orgasms.
Vagina: the inner area of the vagina is the most sensitive. There is a spot that has caused some confusion over the years, called the g-spot. The g-spot is a zone about two or three inches inside the vagina on the front wall, closest to the clitoris or pubic bone. When aroused, the area swells with blood and becomes rough and raised. This area responds to pressure (not touch), and so deep massaging is the best way to produce an orgasm.
Madam, you can also get him to enjoy you more by doing some of these
Wear sexy lingerie
Whisper into his ear
Use some good massage oil
Check the scent that stimulates him; vanilla does it for so many men
Send him erotic texts during the day
Show him your back side
Apply pressure to his buttocks and thighs
Run your fingers through his hair
Allow your hair or breasts to stroke his penis
Look into his eyes while telling him you love him
Wear one of his shirts
Gently play with his scrotum
Choose a different room or location for lovemaking
Don’t make having an orgasm your goal. If you do, both you and your spouse will begin lovemaking with this expectation set up that you are trying to reach. Instead, make the goal the experience of making your spouse feel cherished and loved.
The final point is common values. Intimacy will not be produced when values held by husband and wife are in conflict. This is why you should make sure these things are sorted out before marriage.
Enjoy your sex life; sex is good!
